Musings of a Memoirist: Looking at My Former Self

Healers write; writers heal and grow. I wouldn’t be who I am today without writing. Writing has given me insight into my most difficult relationships, including the one with myself.

There are some people who don’t know what they are thinking until they hear themselves say it. It’s useful for me to know that because it makes me more understanding of those people. It can be tiring for me to listen to them, if not downright annoying.

As an introvert, I tend to think before I speak. I use writing to mirror my thoughts back to me. Being a good listener makes it hard to listen to a think-by-talking type.

Personal Writing

I feel sometimes that people are using speech as a throwaway first draft, with no editing for conciseness. My speech is more like a second draft. I do my throwaway talking by writing it down.

That’s why I rarely go back and read my morning pages. I tried using them as source material for my memoir, but I was bored when I read through my rants and diatribes, even if they did wind down and resolve by the end of three pages. It was painful to go back to myself when I was unhappy, griping, resentful.

For me, morning pages are useful to write, but not useful to read. These pages are writing I do only for myself. I’ve done them on and off for almost 20 years.

Shared Writing

More and more of my time and energy are being spent on writing that I intend to share with others – intentional writing. And the more I write, the less there is which is off-limits for sharing. I think there are two reasons for this.

One is that, as I become more authentic, my public face more closely matches my private thoughts. The second reason is inherent in the process of writing a memoir. In order to illustrate what I’ve learned, I must be willing to portray my former self, the one who needed to learn life skills and lessons.

I no longer see myself as that person, but I must admit that’s the person I was. I may be embarrassed, but I’m also grateful to have the perspective, grateful to have made the needed shifts.

Question: What’s your preferred method of thinking? Do you like to talk it out, write it down, or some other way? Leave a comment below and let me know.


 

2 thoughts on “Musings of a Memoirist: Looking at My Former Self”

  1. I do a bit of both and greatly appreciate the clarity with which you differentiate between the two and what works for you and why. It helps me to think about what I write, and why I write when I write. Thanks for this thought provoking piece.

    1. dbayerdo@gmail.com

      Hi Bridget,
      Thanks for clicking on the link to read one of my older pieces. I like to be both helpful and thought-provoking. 🙂

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