Thoughtful Kindness
I used to precept medical trainees in Ambulatory Palliative Care clinic. Once, a Resident relayed a patient request to me. I don’t remember the details. The patient could have been asking for a medication for pain or anxiety, or they could have been requesting an unnecessary lab test or x-ray.
We had a long discussion, the Resident and I. Our response to the patient was far from a knee-jerk reaction. I ended the discussion by saying, “Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for a patient is to say no.” Then we went into the patient’s exam room together to discuss the treatment plan.
They only let him slip away out of kindness, I suppose.
— “Pancho and Lefty” by Townes Van Zandt
Be kind when possible. It’s always possible.
— The Dalai Lama
Being kind is my natural inclination. It comes from being empathetic. As a child and young adult, this inclination made it hard for me to set boundaries. It made it hard for me to be direct in expressing my wishes and opinions.
I made the mistake of assuming I knew how they would react to something I wanted to say. Learning that speaking directly was better communication was an important life lesson for me. Ironically, being more direct made me kinder. When my wishes and reactions were clear to the other person, they mirrored me. Their wishes and reactions were more clear to me, as well.
How Equanimity Helps
There is a way to say things without expectation, without emotions attached. A neutral, equanimous approach makes a hard message easier to receive. I learned this by long practice, mindfulness practice. I learned not to grasp for pleasant moments, not to push unpleasant moments away. These are not simple lessons. They need to be learned over and over.
