Last week, I wrote about the external obstacles to my writing. This week, I hit internal obstacles: resistance and procrastination. These feel worse to me. I feel defeated when I allow myself to be undermined by my anxieties.
Yet, I am proud when I am not permanently derailed, when I can get back on track and find my way forward again. Then, I feel better, balanced, and equanimous. I regret the wasted time, but I do what I can with the time that’s left before my next deadline.
Some procrastinators use the justification, “I work better under pressure.” This doesn’t work for me. I know it’s not true. My best writing happens when I’m relaxed and able to sink into the process.
But we procrastinators, maybe creative types in general, and possibly all humans, are good at lying to ourselves. Musicians who use chemical substances convince themselves they perform better under the influence. My biggest miscalculation is to think, “I still have plenty of time.”
A Bad Day
Last Tuesday, I had the day off from work. I had only one big project on my list of things to do: write 2500 words toward my next memoir deadline. Everything else on my to-do list got done first, mostly phone calls and emails I had been putting off.
Finally, just before 4 P.M., I realized I had commitments that would take me from 4 until bedtime. I quickly free-wrote about 400 words in my notebook. My mood lifted as I captured words on paper.
So, instead of beating myself up, I went on with my evening. Three days later, when I finally had time again to type up the few words I had sneaked in every day, I was able to expand them into something useful.
Strategy and Tactics
Do I regret the wasted time? Of course I do, but the point is that I didn’t give up. I didn’t think all was lost because I had one bad day. I found the resources that I needed to continue. This is the reality of the writing life. Sometimes it’s hard. For me, it’s easier to prioritize commitments I have made to others.
This is the value of having a book coach for me. I’m certainly not going to let her down, even though the pages I’m writing are really for me, not for her. Still, it’s useful to know that even natural empaths like me can use that to their advantage if they find the right strategy and the right tactics.
Having a book coach is a strategy. Writing for 15 minutes at a time is a tactic. It’s my “minimum viable,” my single pushup that begins a fitness program, and apparently, it’s also my anxiolytic.